Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
