I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
