ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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