I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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