She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
