I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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