Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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