the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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