There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Come share oat with me in your robe
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
