Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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