Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
