How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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