no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
im holly from the hills drunk
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
