Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There's always time for handjobs
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
