girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
