Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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