I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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