the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
