A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My liver just broke up with me...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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