Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
