I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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