I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
