Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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