smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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