I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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