Sry I called you an 8
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
