TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
