Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
