threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
