end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?