i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
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My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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