Just cropdusted the office
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
