So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
