Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
