EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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