that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
