I wish I could teleport
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
