dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
