He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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