Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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