Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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