I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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