see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
