he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
