i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize