I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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