He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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