wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
