Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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