I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
