my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
