You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
