I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Text me some of your sweat
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