It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
